bring money and cleavage
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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