I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
