I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
