We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
two words...techno handjob
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
