I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
