He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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