So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
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