Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
