mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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