For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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