update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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