im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
