I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
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I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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