so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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