Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
