I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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