i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Randomize
