you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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