You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
