also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
