Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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