why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
