I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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