I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
