...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
