Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
