why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
