Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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