You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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