I hate all girls vehemently.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
