I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
