Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
