Kiss
Puke
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
