She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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