I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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