I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
