cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
