My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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