we're chasing vodka with high fives
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
