I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
