planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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