yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
