I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
