I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
