Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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