I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
