i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
