I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
