So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
