I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
3 2 1 whiskey
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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