if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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