i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
