and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
