I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
