Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm getting married
To pizza
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
