I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
