You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
