Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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